Well I got the call from work to come back! I took my sweet coworkers some Mother’s Day cookies on Friday and by the time I got home and laid down for a short nap (something I’ve gotten entirely too accustomed to), the call came in asking me to come back Monday. During my treat drop-off, I walked into the bosses office and she said she hasn’t missed anyone as much as she misses me – a good sign for a couple of reasons. 1. Reassurance I’m a good worker and 2. No one enjoys what I do, so she’s elated to not have to do it anymore. All the excitement gave way to a few deeper thoughts though…
If it’s so good that I’m going back to work, why am I not ready?
It’s always been the plan during this time of furlough that I’d be going back. I imagine it’s what maternity leave feels like…without the hard, rewarding work of having a new baby. Women always know they have to eventually start dropping the baby off at daycare and resume their normal work lives but all women will tell you, they’re never ready for it to end and I can understand that now. Another surprising twist that correlates with maternity leave, I’m now a pro at washing my hair only twice a week and I’ve forgotten how to wear proper pants.
I’ve not been intellectually challenged in a month and a half besides reading a book by Brene Brown (FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC book. Link at the bottom of this post if you’d like to take a look) and playing sodoku. In fact, I’ve mostly watched far too many home improvement shows, threatened too many projects for the house (and my lack of any home improvement budget), and tried to keep the peace between the fur babies. They say, “if you don’t use it, you lose it” and I’m nervous about trying to remember all the small details of the job. The insecurities that come with trying to resume life in a professional world after being confined in my own unprofessional, quiet, uneventful world, are a lot greater than I anticipated. I went into furlough thinking the end would have me more in shape, well read, my dog trained, and the house so clean even Chip and Joanna could stop by and not want to exit quickly. Wrong. No more in shape – in fact, possibly more out of shape. Working on book #2. Dog is a heathen and I’m not sure I will survive his teething. And lets just say that Chip and Joanna would have to get comfortable on the porch. Which brings me to my next point.
Time.
We idolize time saying it goes by too fast or there’s never enough. Where did it go or where can we find more? Time is easily the most profound commodity and the most easily taken for granted. I’ll be the first in line to admit I’m not a wise user of time. Writing is all I want to do, entertaining with deep insights and humor, bringing a light of kindness and dose of reality to a world so dim with hate and filled with idiots living in the clouds. With the ugly truth spoken, or written rather, I have the goal to begin taking advantage of the time given. Write more, laugh more, clean when I should, read more, be more with all the precious time.
Doing more for me means feeding the good things for my soul, living more authentically.
In the book that I read, Dr. Brene Brown speaks to authenticity within our culture. It’s not an unusual term as it’s now the “hip” thing to be more authentic but I’m fearful people use the term lightly and have jaded it to provoke a sense of artsy, fartsy, folksy, hippie vibe. I may not be a well versed scholar on this, but I know that authenticity entails simply being true to who you are no matter the type of person that is. For me it was sending letters to everyone on our street to let them know that my house cares for them and if they had a prayer request or needed help with something during this time, we’re here. Authenticity is another goal of mine. Spending time truly leaning into who I am, being with the people who bring out the best in me, and not allowing the ugly parts of day to day life infiltrate my soul.
It may seem like those are only two goals, easy ones at that. Just be who you are, right? Right. But how much will change for me being more me and less anything else someone else wants me to be. I think in some ways I’ll be more of what the important people knew I could be and in other ways, I may let some folks down. Either way, what will be will be and it will be good.
Now, lets get back to work. ugh.
Link to Brene Brown’s “The Gifts of Imperfection” : https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace-ebook/dp/B00BS03LL6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2LWTSTLN5MGAT&dchild=1&keywords=brene+brown+the+gifts+of+imperfection&qid=1589050841&sprefix=brene+brown%2Caps%2C182&sr=8-1
experiences of life 